The Words I Wish I Didn't Have To Say... Another Open Letter To My Narcissistic Mother

I made the decision to unblock you, Mom. Why did I do that? Because there is still a battle going on within myself. So much so, that sometimes I feel like a split person. The strong part of me knows, that you are deeply toxic, that contact of any kind will inevitably make me sick. That part of me gave up the hope for a different outcome next time. That is the realistic part of me, that accumulated information for more than three decades, then evaluated the data and drew a conclusion accordingly. That part of me knows that trusting you again would be like sticking a knife into my own chest. My trust was deeply destroyed by you, mom.

But then there is this other part of me that still hopes for things to change. I know you are in therapy now. You texted me that. What if you get it this time? What if I could finally have the relationship with you I profoundly crave? What if I never knew you changed because I walked away for good? That part of me is in deep pain right now. Why? Because you, mom, requested me to stop posting stuff about childhood emotional abuse. It makes you look bad to the public and you want to work out stuff with me privatly. You even invited me into your therapist's office. I want to emphasize that I never posted a photo of you or mentioned your name. I only talk about childhood emotional abuse on social media.

So today I had to text you, that I do not want to talk or come to your therapist's office. I had to ask you to respect my wish not to speak to you about my thoughts or feelings. And that is true. The rational part of me wants you out of my life. You are poison for my soul, mom. You have hurt me in way I struggle to find words for. The abuse you subjected me to, impaired my entire development. You made me believe I was worth nothing.

That is all true. And what is also true ist that I still long for a mom. The emotional part of me wants you to get it. That part of me finally wants to resolve the conflict. I want you to understand how much you hurt me. I deeply long for you to finally start working hard to repair the damage you've done, mom. I long for you to proof to me that you love me. So that these words coming from you eventually have meaning. The thing is, I have built such a huge wall to protect myself from getting disappointed by you ever again. And I know this was a healthy decision to make, after all you've done to me. And yet, I still long for you to try and do the hard hard work of making me trust you again. Which I know you won't do. Narcissists don't change. Research supports that. Narcissistic personalities are resistant to treatment. In other words, there is no cure for you, mom.

Texting you that I do not want to speak to you about what I think or feel, party was true. Simultaneously, it felt awful. The truth is, I wish I could feel safe, talking to you about my thoughts and feelings. But I don't. I wish I didn't have to text you these words. I wish I could come to you, speaking about my inner world and have you hear me, see me, validate me. Love me.

The thing is, mom, you never did. I tried everything to get you to listen to me, to understand me. I talked, I wrote, I emailed, even invited you into my own therapy. The lesson I learned in the process was, that you cannot make someone care. People either care or they don't and we can't modify that. Sadly, mom, you were one of those people who did not care. And I can't make you to. It doesn't matter how much I want to.

But now you ask me to come into your therapy and talk about why I post stuff about childhood maltreatment. Because you want to me to stop. Because it makes you look bad. Can we please acknowledge for a minute, that I had to endure decades of emotional abuse from you (and other family members) during sensitive developmental phases in childhood, adolscense and even adulthood which profoundly damaged my trust in the world, in people and in myself and which also led me to develop complex post traumatic stress disorder! But you work up the courage to come to me with the request to stop talking about that because this damages your reputation? You basically told me to shut up about what happened to me. This only shows me that you have understood nothing. I don't do that because of you. I do it because of me. No one ever protected me during childhood from what I had to endure. People don't even know, emotional abuse is a thing. And I want to help change that. We need more awareness about that topic in society.

To make my point, I even told you, that I held a presentation in class about the life long consequences of childhood emotional abuse. It is important to me to talk about these things and of course it is an interesting topic for my fellow students who are going to become therapists one day, too. Also it was a courageous step for me personally and I am really proud of myself. Still, telling you this didn't make you see my point. Which is not a supprise at all.

In retrospect I should not have defended myself. The less information you have about me, the safer it is for me. And you only hear what you want to hear anyway, so really there is no point. So, I left all the emotion out of my last message to you and just asked you to respekt my wish not to talk to you. That I don't trust you and that I don't have anything to tell you. That's it. As simple as that.

The truth is, mom, I have tons of things to tell you. But I can't. You won't hear it and I am too tired to jump through these hoops again. I badly want to tell you how much I am hurting, mom. I badly want and need a mom! But remember that lesson? You cannot make someone care. You didn't care when I had my heart broken for the first time. You didn't care, when I was bullied in school. You didn't care when my first husband controlled me, locked me in and punched me. No, instead you invited him for coffee and bought him bloody car! You didn't care when I had my mental break down and suicidal thoughts. Even then, you played the victim. But now, suddenly when I make you look bad in public, because I shine I truth light on what is going terribly wrong in our society you tell me you want to listen? No, mom. No. I do not believe you anymore. And I think that is pretty healthy. And I wish I could tell you this. Instead I write everything down here, because I have to get the truth off my chest, mom.

No one should be carrying the burden of having to protect themselves from their own mother. But today I had to do that. Again. And it broke my heart. Again. I don't want to have to set these boundaries with you. It hurts deeply. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish we could start over. I wish you'd change. But this hope, mom, I had to let go off. Remember your web of lies, I escaped from? What you did to me was on you, not me. I needed to be loved, protected and tought. Not to be pushed around and used.

Maybe it is time to let you go. Maybe that would be easier. How does one protect themselves from their own mother without getting hurt even more? I hope, mom, that one day I'm going to figure this out...

Josi